The Fake Date/Script
the Penalty Box, Jen is staring dreamily at a co-worker. She looks at him and slips into a dream. In Jen's dream, she and the co-worker are washing a car. Soon, the washing denigrates into a playful water fight, which ends when he takes off his shirt and comes to her side. Dream Charlie: "Can I please get some service here?" Dream Jen: "What?" Dream Charlie: "I said, can I–" Reality. Stuart Goldstein: "–please get some service." Jen: starting "Eww! I mean, I'm sorry, sir. Right away." starts to check Stuart out, but her attention is drawn back to Charlie Dobbs. She looks at him. Stuart Goldstein: her "Hello!" Jen: "Sorry. What did you want again?" Coach Halder: her "Time out! I'll field this one, Masterson." Halder checks the customer out. Jen at first looks chagrined, but her attention is soon drawn back to Charlie. Coach Halder: Stuart leaves "And you have yourself a top-scoring day." Jen "Masterson!" Jen doesn't respond, Halder snaps his fingers in front of her face, and she wakes up. Jen: "What? Oh, sorry Coach." Coach Halder: "I see you noticed our new employee Charlie Dobbs!" Jen: "Charlie Dobbs? Uh, no." over again and then back at her boss "Does he work here?" Coach Halder: "Save it! I know that look on your face! Remember the Penalty Box employee policy! Any time feelings of love arise on the job, fifty push-ups." Jen: "Yes sir." Coach Halder: "Now, since I've just mentioned love, I'm going to do fifty myself." gets on the ground and starts. After four, his back gives out. Coach Halder: "UUUGHHH!" himself up "I'll get to the other forty-six later. But boy that feels good!" pain "Hand me one of those sports towels, Masterson." wipes his sweaty face. Jen: "Ew." Coach Halder: it back "Mark that down 20%. Good job." Jen: unsurprised "Yes Coach." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The Fake Date' ---- ''Dobbs is setting up a helmet display. Jen goes over nervously. Jen: "Sometimes the helmets can be a bit confusing. Let me do it for you." Charlie: "Thanks." Jen: "Don't even worry about it. I've done it a million times." giggles and blushes. Coach Halder: "Dobbs! Centerfield! I need you to change this display!" Charlie: "Gotta go." leaves to change the display. Jen follows him. Jen: "So, um, I thought, since you're new, you might want to–go for–a–coffee with me? Since we'll be working together and all." Charlie: "Oh. That's nice, but actually I've got a–" Jen: "Gotta go? Oh, me too. I've got so much work to do, so see you later!" turns around, about to make a break for it, but runs straight into a mannequin. Charlie: "Ouch. You alright there?" Jen: "Fine!" her breath "Nice move, Jen." ---- walks into the Penalty Box. She sees Charlie resetting the knocked-over mannequin and Jen staring at him dreamily. Caitlin: "I know what's going on here!" heads over. Charlie looks down and notices his crotch is awfully close to that of the male mannequin. Charlie: the dummy "Uh, it's not what it looks like!" Caitlin: "It's exactly what it looks like! Jen's got a crush–" slams a helmet over Caitlin's head, muffling her, and then shoves Caitlin into a changing room. Jen notices Coach Halder standing there, miffed at what just happened, and runs back, coming back with a jersey, which she tosses into the changing room. Jen: "She really needed to try that shirt on." Halder narrows his eyes and signals that she needs to do some push-ups. ---- Jonesy, and Nikki are around the table. Jonesy is typing something on his laptop. Nikki looks at it. Nikki: "Huh. Is that actually text on his screen?" Caitlin: "Yeah. He's writing a guide on how to score chicks for guys that suck at scoring chicks." Nikki: "Isn't that kinda like the pot calling the kettle black?" blinks. "Oh forget it." Jonesy "So, what inspired this bout of literary genius?" Jonesy: "My new job at Booktropolis. You should see some of the books in there. What a rip-off! 'The Cat in the Hat'? Please! It only took me twenty minutes to read that one." Nikki: at this bout of stupidity "That's because it's a children's book." Jonesy: "Yeah, well if people will buy a book about a cat who's wearing a hat, and by the way they don't, then this will be a bestseller." Nikki: "Oh, I'm sure." Jonesy: "Check it out. Chapter 4: Avoiding the Parents." Nikki: "Check it out, Chapter 5: Avoiding the Author." Caitlin: Jen, who is walking up "Hey Penalty Box girl. Who's getting a major for hooking a babe?" Jen: into her chair "Not. Me. Charlie still doesn't know I exist." Jonesy: "Common problem. Chapter 1 in my book: Making the First Move." Nikki: Jen "Don't go there." Jen: "You're writing a book?" Nikki: "She went there." Jonesy: "Yes, as a matter of fact. And it doesn't matter whether you're a guy or a chick, you always have to make the first move!" Jen: "Oh-kay." Jonesy: "Trust me, if you want to get this guy's attention, I can help you." Jen: "Really?" Jonesy: "Sure! See, all guys want is to think they're a playa. Work the ego angle! If you can make a guy believe that he's all that, you've got him." Nikki: "Don't listen to him!" Jonesy: "Wouldn't you be more attracted to a guy who knows just what to say to the ladies?" Nikki: "Sure, you know any?" Jen: "Jonesy, if you could do this for me–" Jonesy: "It's as good as done! Let's go!" closes his laptop and gets up. Jen: with Jonesy "See you guys!" Nikki: "This should be interesting. In a trainwreck kinda way." ---- and Jen are creeping through the Penalty Box. Jonesy: his headset "Hound Dog to Hawk, come in Hawk, do you read me?" Jen: "Hawk here." Jonesy: at Charlie through binoculars "Proceed to prey." takes a deep breath and heads over. Jonesy: "Okay, say 'Hey Charlie'." Jen: "Hey Charlie." Jonesy: "I'll bet you're good at scoring." Jen: "I'll bet you're good at scoring." Charlie: "Actually, I did get 58 points in last year's season. Highest scorer on the team." Jonesy: "What an idiot." Jen: "What an idiot. Oh! Not you! Jonesy?" Charlie: "Jonesy?" Jonesy: "Jen, don't blow it!" Jen: "I'm not blowing it!" Charlie: "Blowing what?" Jen: "Nothing! Um–" Coach Halder: "Masterson!" Jen: "Excuse me a minute." Jonesy: the coach "Abort mission! Abort! Abort! Abort! Get outta there!" tries to abort, but slips on a hockey stick, flies into the air, and lands on the ground in front of Charlie again. Jen: "OW!" Charlie: "You alright there?" Jen: "Yeah, I'm okay." tries to crawl off but runs into Coach Halder's legs. Coach Halder: a headset "I'll bet you're good at scoring." grins stupidly. "Gimme fifty! Now now now!" Jen: push-ups "One. Two." ---- and Jonesy enter the food court. Jen: "That was so humiliating." shoves Jonesy forward. Jonesy: forward, barely keeping his balance "Whoa! Whoa!" stops by his chair, still upright. Nikki: "Another satisfied customer, Jonesy?" fakes a laugh, then looks at Nikki angrily. Jen: "I did everything except throw myself at his feet!" Jonesy: "Actually, you did that too." Jen: "Ugh! You were right, Nikki. I never should have listened to him." Nikki: "See? If you would all just accept that Nikki's always right, your lives would be so much easier." Jen: "But why isn't Charlie the slightest bit interested? I'm cute! Aren't I?" Wyatt: "Maybe he's...you know?" Jude: "Oooohhhhhh...is he?" Jen: "No. So what do I do? The staff party's tomorrow, and I wanted to go with him!" Caitlin: an idea and gasping "That's it! Make him jealous! If you want Charlie to want you, take someone else to the party!" Jen: "I don't get it." Caitlin: "Guys want what they can't have. So, get a fake date to take you to the party. When he sees you're taken, he'll have to have you!" Nikki: "Ah, jealousy, the time-honored way to a man's heart." Jen: "But where can I find a fake date on such short notice?" Caitlin: "Are you kidding? Your store has the best staff party in the entire mall!" Jonesy: "I'd do it." Wyatt: "Me too." Jude: "Yeah, count me in." Nikki: "Hey, it's free food." Caitlin: "See? I'll find you the perfect guy!" ---- long line of fake date candidates, including Darth and Jonesy, are lined up outside the Big Squeeze. Jude rolls up. Jude: "Whoa, hey fake date dudes. Am I late?" Jonesy: "Just in time. Back of the line's that way." Jude: "The legendary PB partay. Last year they gave out a brand-new snowboard as the door prize." Jonesy: "You'll definitely be the one, dude!" himself "Poor sucker doesn't have a chance." Caitlin: up a cell phone link with Jen "Stand by guys!" dials up Jen. Jen: "Hi Cait. Set to go?" Caitlin: "Yep. You ready?" Jen: behind a plant "All set. Let's see 'em." takes out a pair of binoculars and scans the line. Caitlin: the fake dates "Okay, listen up. Suitability for Jen will be judged on your interview with me and your answer to a skill-testing question. Oh, and hygiene is important too." Dirty Hippie: "Darn." Jen: "Ew." Caitlin: "Contestant Number 1: How would you treat Jen if you went out with her on a date?" Jonesy: "Like a princess." cute girl strolls by, and Jonesy's eyes follow her. Caitlin: "Excuse me. Contestant Number 1? A girl like that arrives alone at the Penalty Box party. What would you do?" Jonesy: "So there's absolutely no chance of me getting any, uh, action on this date with Jen, right?" Jen: "Ugh! As if!" Caitlin: "None." Jonesy: "In that case, I'd definitely go for the fox. You don't stay on first when the coach is waving you to second." Caitlin: "Eww! You're disqualified!" Jonesy: "For what?" Caitlin: "For cheating on your fake girlfriend, that's what!" Jen: "And for using a baseball analogy for scoring with a girl." Caitlin: "Next!" Nikki: Jonesy "Looks like you got benched." sits down. Caitlin: "Next!" walks up. "Next!" arrives with a coffee. "Aw, you brought me a vanilla butterscotch latte! How sweet!" Wyatt: "That's one word for it. How can you drink flavored coffee?" Caitlin: "Contestant Number 4: opening your mind to new experiences makes for a funner date." Wyatt: "But flavored coffee is just wrong!" Caitlin: "Never correct a girl! Now go get me some cream and sugar." Wyatt: aghast "You're putting cream and sugar in it too?!?" Caitlin: "Wyatt!" leaves to get her the cream and sugar. Jen: "Let's check out what Contestant Number 4 is listening to." Caitlin: "Good idea." starts the track up. Halfway across the food court, Wyatt hears and rushes back. Wyatt: "No! Turn that off! It's a song I'm working on! It's not done yet!" Caitlin: "Okay, okay. But huge marks off for that performance. So not up to par." Jonesy: Wyatt "No, my song, my song!" and Nikki laugh. Nikki: "I think he just invented a new dance." Wyatt: "Seriously, guys!" Caitlin: "Next!" and Nikki laugh. Wyatt sits down. Wyatt: "Very funny. You're killing me. Really." ---- end of the line approaches. Caitlin: "Next!" comes up. "Now, if you were Jen's date–" Jude: "Whoa, chill. You want something to drink? You must be sick of making juice for everyone. Let me do it." pours her a glass of lemonade, then goes around to give her a shoulder massage. "Ouch. Someone must be harshing on your mellow. Your shoulders are so tight." Jen: amazed "A massage too? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!" comes up to the stand. "Jude! Guess what! We've decided you're my fake date!" Jude: "Awesome." Jonesy: "No way! Jude gets to go?" Jude: "Never underestimate a man with a six-year-old snowboard, my friend. Gonna score me some new gear!" Nikki: "Look at it this way. It's not so much that Jude won, it's more that you two were rejected." Jonesy: "I've been turned down for dates before, but this is the first time I've ever been turned down for a pretend date." Wyatt: "It was just a matter of time." Jonesy: "Hey, this is gonna make a very awkward, painful chapter in my book!" Nikki: "Aw, there there. I'm sure all the chapters in your book will be awkward and painful." Jonesy: "This reminds me of the movie, Kung Fu Cop Partners: 'You just picked the wrong guy.'" Nikki: "No, idiot, he said 'You just kicked the thong guy.'" Jonesy: "No, I saw the movie, and he said 'You picked the wrong guy.'" Nikki: "I saw the movie too, and he said 'You kicked the thong guy!'" Wyatt: "I saw the movie, and he said 'Get a life!'" ---- party is going strong inside the Penalty Box. Wyatt is manning the DJ booth, while Caitlin is giving the fake daters some last minute instructions. Jude is in a blue suit, while Jen is in a black dress. Caitlin: "It's zero hour. You two look great. Make me proud! Oh, wait." puts some powder on Jen's nose. "Perfect." enters. Jude is about to follow, but Caitlin stops him. "Walk ever so slightly behind Jen. Whatever you do, don't block her light." Jude: "Right. Should I hold her hand?" Caitlin: "No! Now have fun!" and Jen enter the party. Coach Halder: "Masterson!" claps her on the back. Jen: "Hey! Where's Dobbs?" Coach Halder: "Dobbs? Oh, he's out getting ice." walks off. Jen turns to her date. Jen: "Jude." Jude: "Yes, fake date?" Jen: "Don't call me fake date! We need sustenance. This could be a long night. Get us some hors d'oeuvres." Jude: "Or de whatties?" Jen: "Food, Jude, food. It's free!" Jude: "Food. I can do that." scampers off. Jen: "Okay. Love is just a game. Right? Right. And I'm really good at sports. Right! I can do this. Time for round one!" ---- is at the Khaki Barn, working. Jonesy is there, and they are still arguing over the line. Nikki: "He says, 'You just kicked the thong guy.'" Jonesy: "That is so dumb. Why would he say that?" Nikki: "'Cause he just kicked the guy who was wearing the thong!" Jonesy: "Admit it! You're wrong!" Nikki: "Uh, unless you're buying, it's called loitering? Wanna give me a hand?" Jonesy: "Hey, you picked the wrong guy!" Nikki: "You kicked the–you know what, I'm not even gonna argue with you anymore. You're wrong. Simple as that." Jonesy: "There's one way to find out. Kung Fu Cop Partners is playing at the Gigantoplex in ten minutes." Nikki: the store "Go to a movie with you? In your dreams." Jonesy: "Unless you're not ready to find out you're wrong." Nikki: "You know what? I'm gonna go to that movie with you just to see your face when that line comes up." Jonesy: "Fine." Nikki: "Fine!" realizing "Uh, did I just agree to go to a movie with you?" Jonesy: sultry "Oh yeah." Nikki: "I was afraid I did that." ---- stares at Charlie's back, Jude by her side. Jen: "Charlie is so not paying attention to me. He's barely even looked over here." Jude: "Do I have to sit here the whole night and hold your purse?" walks over to the DJ booth. Caitlin: "Wyatt! How'd you score this gig?" Wyatt: "The guy that they had lined up got food poisoning. How'd you get in?" Caitlin: to a food cart "It's called the Little Squeeze. We use it for private parties. I just told the guy at the door Coach Halder hired me. How's Jen doing?" Wyatt: "Not too good." looks over. Charlie yawns, and Jen watches, bored. Caitlin: "Hmm. Time for a pep talk." goes over and begins talking to Jen. "Okay, focus. Don't look at him. Be mysterious. And stand on your own, so he can see you're–" Jen: "He's coming!" Caitlin: "Hey!" pushes Caitlin out of the way, and Caitlin falls down. Charlie walks by, not noticing Jen or Caitlin. Charlie: the DJ "Have you got any Justin Timberlake?" Wyatt: snickering "Sorry dude. I'm fresh out." Jen: "Justin Timberlake? I love Justin Timberlake!" Wyatt: "You do?" Jen: faking "Oh yeah! I love that one, uh, Loving You? Lately?" Charlie: away "That is not a Justin Timberlake song." sighs. Jude: "Do you want to dance?" Jen: her purse angrily "I am going to the girls room." Caitlin: Jude "Do you want a lemon shooter?" Jude: "Nah. I think I'm gonna have one of these energy drinks." goes over, pops the top off of a can, and sips. He takes another, longer sip. Just then the energy hits, and he smiles widely. Jude proceeds to chug the can. ---- walks up to the ticket booth. Nikki: "One, please." Jonesy: "Make it two." Nikki: "Am I paying for you too?" Jonesy: "Thanks for asking, yeah!" enter the lobby. Jonesy: "Can you get me a drink and a popcorn? You may as well supersize them. Thanks Nikki, you're a pal." Nikki: "Gee, going to a movie with you is like taking my six-year-old nephew." Jonesy: "You must have one gorgeous nephew." Nikki: "Just make sure you go to the bathroom before the movie starts." ---- is high on energy drinks. Jen is trying to position him. Jen: "Stand over this way a bit. Okay, sink down so your shoulder doesn't cover me. What are you doing?" Jude: "It feels weird down here, man." turns around in their direction. Jen: "Laugh, like I said something funny." Jude: "But you didn't." Jen: "Jude! Act like I'm the most wonderful thing in the world! And stand up!" Jude: "Ha ha! Ha ha! Good one! Dude!" spills his drink on Charlie's shirt. ---- guys on the movie screen are fighting. Jonesy is wavering in his chair. Jonesy: "Listen! The line is coming up!" Nikki: "Would you stop saying the line is coming up? And sit still!" Jonesy: "I have to go pee!" Nikki: "Could you be quiet?" sneaks off to the bathroom. Cop Partner: "You kicked the thong guy." smirks and looks over to Jonesy's seat. Unfortunately, it is vacant. Her smile vanishes. ---- walks over to the elevator, Jonesy in tow. Jonesy: "We'll have to do that again sometime." Nikki: the button "The whole point was to prove you were wrong, which you are." Jonesy: the subject "Push the button." Nikki: "I did." Jonesy: "It's not lit up." Nikki: "I know, but I pushed it." moves to press the button "You don't have to push it I pushed it! It doesn't light up!" Jonesy: "I don't think you pushed it." elevator arrives with a ding. Nikki: "Oh look, the elevator's here! Huh, gee, how did that happen? Maybe it just 'knows.'" Jonesy: in with Nikki "I'll push it." Nikki: "I've got it." begin to fight over it. "You're such a–a guy!" Jonesy: "Just leave it alone!" Nikki: simultaneously "No! Stop it!" both stop pressing the buttons at the same time. Jonesy: "Just let me push the stupid button." notice how close their faces are and smile warmly. Suddenly, the elevator shakes and stops. Nikki: "Oh now look what you've done." Jonesy: "What, this is my fault now?" scared "We're trapped, aren't we?" Nikki: buttons "It's completely dead." Jonesy: her "Stop talking! You're using up all the air! I can't breathe!" Nikki: "You're panicking. Just relax." Jonesy: "No! I need air! We're gonna die in here. I'm too young to die." ---- is still keeping the party going. Caitlin: "Where's Jen?" Wyatt: "In the bathroom again, regrouping." Caitlin: "He's just one guy. Maybe he just isn't into her." Wyatt: "Have I thanked you yet for not picking me as Jen's date?" Caitlin: "Like seven times." Jen: "Hey. Have you guys seen Jude?" Wyatt: "Last time I saw him, he was back at the energy drink table." Jen: "What's with him and the energy drinks? Can't he just relax and have a good time?" spots him acting like a clown and goes over. "How many have you had?" Jude: "I dunno, fourteen, they're free, free is good, love the free!" slips. "Whooaaa-wha-ha-ha-hahaha-ha-ha!!!" crashes into the energy drink stack. Wyatt: "I have some chamomile tea back at Spin This I could get." ---- and Nikki are sitting around when Wyatt comes by. Nikki: "Look! It's Wyatt!" beat on the glass window of the elevator. Jonesy: "Wyatt! We're up here! Help!" Wyatt: them "Oh yeah, you guys are so funny. 'My song! My song!' Laugh it up." leaves. Nikki: "Where's he going? What did you do?" Jonesy: "What'd I do? You got us into this mess! I don't want my book to end this way, Chapter 5: You Can't Score if You're Not Alive." Nikki: "Here. Let me help you test that theory." chokes him. Jonesy gags and begins strangling her. ---- is minding the Little Squeeze. Jude comes by, shaking from his overdose. Caitlin: "Oh Jude, what's up?" Jude: her "Caitlin, I can like see right through you!" is hallucinating. Caitlin: robotic in the hallucination "Try to relax, Jude. Wyatt is coming with some chamomile tea." Jude: "This is starting to freak me out. Yellow is mellow. Gotta find something yellow. Yeah." walks off. Coach Halder is announcing the door prize. Coach Halder: "Listen up, team! Tonight's grand prize is a soccer ball Palm Pilot that plays–" flips it open and it plays inspirational music. The crowd gasps in awe. Meanwhile, Jude has found a tennis ball shooter. Jude: "Yellow is mellow." toys with the shooter. Coach Halder: through a hat "And the grand prize winner is–huh? Holy mackerel!" falls onto the shooter, switching it on. The shooter starts machine-gunning the crowd, and everyone hits the floor. One of the tennis balls hits the Palm Pilot, knocking it to the ground. Eventually the machine runs out of balls, and Jen goes over to her date. Jen: "Jude, are you okay?" Jude: "Like, I'm so totally, not." Charlie: "Your boyfriend just ruined the cool soccer-ball thingy!" Jen: Jude "That's it, we are so over!" Wyatt: "Here's the chamomile tea." ---- is cleaning up the party while Jen makes sure Jude is okay. Jude sips his tea. Jude: "This tea tastes like a dirty gym sock." Wyatt: "Just make sure you drink all of it." Jude: "I'm sorry I ruined the party." Jen: "Oh, it's not your fault, Jude. It's Caitlin's for setting the whole thing up!" Caitlin: "Wait a minute! I didn't spend the whole night being mean to Jude!" Wyatt: "Yeah, Jen. I think you owe Jude an apology." Jen: sighing "You're right. And I'm going to make it up to you." Jude: "Wow. That's so not necessary. But I'll let you anyway." ---- is waiting outside the elevator that Jonesy and Nikki are trapped in. Jonesy: "Why do we have to die? I don't want to die in an elevator! Why me? AAAH!" presses the button, and Jonesy falls out. Jonesy: "Thank you! Thank you! I never in a million years thought I'd be happy to see you! You are beautiful! And you're gonna get a whole chapter in my book! No, two! Now arrest her!" exits the elevator. ---- gang minus Jen are gathered around the table. Jonesy is typing. Jonesy: "I've almost finished the last chapter in my book. It's where I save our lives in the elevator." Nikki: "Do not put me in your book. In fact, why don't you try reading some books on the job, instead of jumping right to writing one." Jonesy: "Can't, got fired. But don't worry, you come off looking like a complete babe." Nikki: "Oh. Well in that case, carry on, Shakespeare." Jen: Jude a Wonder Taco "Here Jude. I know how much you love these. And no spit!" Jude: "Sweet!" Jen: "No problem. You did have to put up with me last night." spots Charlie across the food court with a sub. "Ugh! Just look at him! Acting all cool, all 'I'm the hottest guy in the food court with my sandwich!'" Jonesy: "Hey! Second-hottest guy." Jen: "That's it! I can't take it anymore! I've got to find out why he isn't interested in me." storms off. Caitlin: "Wait! You're risking rejection at point-blank range?" Jen: "I can take rejection. But I've got to know." comes up to Charlie. "Charlie! I wanted to ask you some...thing..." Charlie is a black-haired girl. Charlie: "Oh hey Jen. This is my girlfriend, Jill. Jill, this is Jen." Jen: "Your girlfriend?" happy "You have a girlfriend! That's great news! It's so nice to meet you. Okay, so, see you at work." leaves. Charlie: "Didn't you want to ask me something?" Jen: "Who me? No." gives the thumbs-up to her friends. Caitlin: "Wow. She really takes rejection well." Jen: "He had a girlfriend all along! I'm not a total loser after all!" Jonesy: "That's still up for debate." Jen: "Wait a second. What does she have that I don't?" Wyatt: his eyes "Here we go again." Nikki: "Oh, man!" Jen: "No guys, I'm serious. I'm as cute as she is, aren't I?" gang gets up and leaves. Jen doesn't notice. "And I'm definitely more athletic. Just look at those chicken legs! I mean, have you seen me play soccer? And snowboarding? Whoa, I'm a total shred Betty!" Category:Season 1